I have been laying in bed for three days straight. I work from home a lot but when I go into the office I sit in my little cubicle fighting back tears.
I am a self admitted control freak and when I feel like I am losing control this is what happens.
The depressed mood, the withdrawl, and the random thoughts of what if? This is me out of control.
I understand that things are not meant to be controlled all of the time, and I am familiar with the whole “shit happens” mantra that people love to throw at you when things go wrong (which I’m extremely tired of hearing), but when I cannot control my own body or finances, I am finding this to be a trigger that makes me irrational.
People treat me like I’m not allowed to feel. I’m sad and it just is.
I literally cannot move. I can’t get up and go anywhere without feeling embarrassed that people are staring at me and on top of that I am about to lose an insane amount of money.
I am drained.
I want to cry but I have no one to cry to.
I am alone.
I realize that no one knows me very well and to care how I’m feeling because of the temporary tattoo of a smile and alert eyes I use whenever someone speaks to me.
People don’t know that a genuine “are you okay?” would really mean a lot right now.
Even though it’s visibly apparent what’s wrong, I think the issue is that what is wrong with me cannot be fixed with anything but time and even that is not certain.
I’m in pain. Sometimes it’s a good day, sometimes it’s bad. I am starting to miss the days when all I did was bitch about work. I am tired of this and I don’t know if I will ever be the same again. It’s sad to think that.
So if you’re wondering why I haven’t been posting as much it’s because I can’t remain in a good mood long enough to make little shady jokes for the masses.
If you have anything in your arsenal that you think my humor would appreciate please drop the link in the comments. I need to smile.