I am a firm believer in signs. I believe that if anything which reoccurs in a certain way, and you believe it to hold a certain meaning, than this sign must be true.
However you interpret it gives it meaning and only you can make it true.
A reoccurring sign that keeps catching my eyes and ears is the words “nothing is out of your control.”
This scares me to death. I know that I am not living the life I should be living and those words are forcing me to take responsibility. If nothing is out of my control, all of the things that are happening and have happened to me to are my doing.
I will not dare go into some pessimist woe is me type rant because I have honestly lived a nice life so far. But, I am at a point where I want so much, that the things that I have achieved are now insignificant.
My wants are so different from the way in which I have grown up.
My paths were to finish college (check), get a job (check), make money (check), buy a home (not yet), start a family (not yet).
The things I now truly want, are so far from these paths I have taken. It fucks me up that I have gotten this far without hearing this sign earlier.
I work a job that is okay, but my job description can be summed up as, “follow the rules and make sure everyone else does as well.”
The problem with this is that it does not fit my character.
I am a natural rule breaker. This is how I best express myself. I made it most of my childhood goal to try to get away with as much as possible. I am still like this!
This blog is my self expression. It is my outlet for my inner rogue. It allows me to let my veil down after 5 years of suppressing my own true self.
Now that I realize my suppression is all my fault, I have to keep working to let myself out. As of now my only option is my words. (I have to pay the bills so I will continue to work until I get the sign to quit.)
I will keep writing. I just hope somebody feels me. The real me.