On the almost eve of Valentine’s Day it occurred to me that I have been single for 2 years and counting.
It’s hard for me to believe it because it doesn’t seem that long. My current dating life is active and has many flavors of the week (I like to mix it up), but it has been maybe even more than 2 years since I was in a relationship.
Being single has the traditional ups and downs but I definitely think it was a normal transition of emotion from my last breakup.
The first 3 months mainly were a big blur of “fuck him girl” parties. I went out. A lot.
I still had a relationship girl mentally so I wouldn’t give anyone who approached me the time of day, but I definitely had fun. I was drunk 70% of the time but was a very happy little drunk. I danced too much and wore way too many whore dresses on a regular basis, but I was happy getting the attention that I no longer had a boyfriend to give me.
I looked good all of the time, but only because I wanted to run into him (the ex) and make him eat his heart out.
It never happened.
In hindsight, even though I was truly having fun, I was just partying as a distraction so that I wouldn’t feel anything. That didn’t last long…
By month 5 it finally sunk in that I was alone. Or, at least I felt completely alone.
My ex-boyfriend was my partner in crime. He was gone and the party wasn’t jumping like it used to.
I missed him. The only way to describe my feelings were a mash-up of Adele, Sam Smith, and the hardest Drake song you could think of (not many hard Drake songs but try and imagine his light skin anger).
It was bad. My whole vibe was off.
I wanted A person, not the ex, just someone to be my partner.
After countless conversations with my best friend, she showed me no mercy and hit me with a smooth “Oh well”.
I moved on. I stopped having “I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life rants”, but would still have those lonely moments where I missed my partner in crime.
By months 7-8 I was still in a slight “woe is me” mode because I couldn’t get a date to save my life.
I then began to give up on my outward appearance (self esteem on E) as I wasn’t getting the male attention that I was used to.
Fuck hair, fuck makeup, fuck it all. Smellie Mellie in this bitch.
I only put on clothes to go to work and didn’t even really try hard with that attire either.
By around a full year I just wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me?
I had cleaned myself up, found a new hobby, and had rid my desire to be with anyone at all. With all this I still could not shake the thought of it being my fault that I couldn’t keep a man and that I must be somewhat difficult.
I went to male friends seeking advice but my male friends just told me that I basically have bad taste in men.
I can now admit that I tend to pay attention to the men who have dead end jobs, are very dependent, and are emotionally unstable.
In summary: I love ain’t shit men!
This goes against everything that I think I deserve, but in my mind (at the time) I was intimidated by a man who had more than me.
If you have more than me I cannot control you. I am a control freak and unknowingly sought out weak men I could control until I got mad at them for being themselves. I made no sense.
Most relationships with me would go like this;
1. I get tired of your weakness (that I was initially attracted to) and then visibly lose interest.
2. Their dependent nature eventually surfaces, they get sick of my disinterest and voilà, an unhappy relationship turned into a breakup.
It took me close to a full year to get over this most recent relationship and this was the one that I think changed me for the better and made me realize that dumb ass pattern outlined above.
I now realize that I have an idea of what I want but am not sure if I’m ready for it.
To deter myself from self destructive behavior I have to forcefully bow out quickly when I see myself attracted to men with the habits of boyfriend’s past.
Until I grow to like men who are actually good for me I just want/have to be with myself, my cat, my dog, and food…and liquor, and hookah and nice hair and money and my career….
*I will still date, but only for the entertainment value.