Martha’s Monthly’s, And Things I Don’t Understand

Is it weird that I used to idolize Martha Stewart when I was a child?

In Martha Stewart Living, a monthly calendar is published with “gentle reminders, helpful tips and important dates”, of things which Martha does for the month.

Please get into Martha’s Month of February and if I would participate in the activities or not:

*I skipped the events which warranted no explanation such as hosting gigs and activities which were repeated

Photo Credit: Martha Stewart Living

Photo Credit: Martha Stewart Living

1. Go sledding with Jude and Truman (whoever the fuck they are)

I actually would go sledding, but not with Jude and Truman. Fuck them.

2. Make label and freeze stock for soups and stews


3. Groom and feed orchids and indoor plants

If I had plants they would be dead before this was even a thought.

4. Roast parsnips from root cellar

I have no idea what any of those words mean when put into that sentence.

5. Hike through woods and photograph wildlife for my blog

If you count walking to the corner store as a hike through wildlife, sure I will take pictures and put it on my blog. Is this what ya’ll want to see? Because I’m not going to an actual wooded area…

6. Horseback ride


I decided as a child that horses are nice to look at, not to ride.

7. Sharpen and oil garden tools

Once again, I don’t know what these words mean when used in that order.

8. Have lawn mover, edger, and weed trimmer serviced

I come from a place where we don’t have lawns. I barely want to get my car serviced and now I have to get shit serviced for the lawn, which has no purpose but to look pretty? No, ma’am. I’ll pass on these activities.

9. Take dog to groomer

Finally Martha and I relate! I do get my baby groomed monthly. (He has to stunt like his mommy).

10. Make and decorate sugar cookies and craft Valentine’s with Jude and Truman (who are they?)

I only make sugar cookies when I want sugar cookies, not for V-Day.

And fuck Jude and Truman.

10. Force forsythe and crab-apple branches to bloom


11. Reorganize home-office and digital files

Not a bad idea, Martha.

12. Begin sowing cauliflower, cabbage, and…(I’m stopping right there)

No. I don’t sow, even if I was rich I think I would still just go buy groceries. I’m not sowing shit or picking shit. My ancestors did their time and I’m not going back.

13. Make a dog food birthday cake.


I love my dog like a son but I’m not making him a cake for his birthday. I will buy him a toy from the Martha Stewart Collection and he will love it.

Y’all didn’t know she made pet toys? I still got a soft spot for ol’ Martha and will always support.

14. Host a Dim Sum dinner party at Bedford for Chinese New Year

If I had the money and time I would do this just because it sounds cool. I would hire someone to do everything in preparation for the party, but I would host, and that’s it.

15. Family Dinner

Making time for family is important when you have such a busy schedule and blah blah blah, so I can vibe with Martha on this.

16. Order new chicks for chicken coup

Only if they are my pets…Please tell me they are your pets Martha…

17. Purchase summer bulbs, metal stakes, and labeling supplies for garden


18. Trim crab-apple and other fruit trees


19. Draft a planting plan for Spring

Say one more thing about gardening Martha….

i will cut you




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