What happens to your way of life when you start to get old?
I’m not talking about the brand new crop of health issues, or about Medicare and social security. I am talking about how do you come to suddenly have those seemingly new old person mannerisms?
Like, how do you know to become impossibly stubborn? How do you start to resent the “young people”? How do you start putting the word “the” in front of nouns when it is unnecessary? (An example statement per one of my aunties, “Want to go to the Red Lobster?” Me: Yes, Aunt Trudy just let me know when.
Being the only child and long time baby of the family, it’s been impossible for me to escape old person mannerisms. As I watched everyone around me just get old I had no choice but to embrace a few nuances my older family members had. I thought I would share some of my favorite old person mannerisms that I would hope to never embrace:
1. The ever incessant “Girl, if I was 40 years younger…”
This statement is always followed by a “mmm hmm” or another variation of a random grunt.
What makes older people, men in particular, think it’s okay to say this shit to your face? I don’t understand.
I can’t wait to get old and say completely out of line stuff like this out loud.
2. Tams/Newsboy Hats
Old men love these hats and I have no idea where the urge to wear them actually comes from. Is in instinctual?
3. This wig
Every older woman in the black community at a certain age will eventually cave in to this wig style. My grandmom has these by the pound.
This is another instinctual thing that I hope to never understand.
It’s not even flattering.
My last and final old person nuance I hope to never understand is…
4. High pants and a pooch
If I ever wear my pants this high EVERYDAY please sit down and get into my mental. Ask me if I’m ok. Tell me to stop. Do anything to get me back into pants of an appropriate height.
Also tell me just to wear longer shirts when I get fat. No need to pull the pants up that high to cover the gut.