Adventures In Dating: Babyfather of the Year

As I journey to be hot in these streets once again after a much needed hiatus, I wish to remind people (and myself) of the of the unfortunate events which occurred in datings past.

I faced the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with these types of men much earlier than I was probably ready to handle, which may have scarred me for life. Though some of these types are good men, to deal with one you need a certain level of maturity to adapt to their situation, which I do not posses.

The man I am referring to is….

Fuckery Friday: Think Big

I have an announcement…

#AllWeightMatters #FuckDiabetes #AndStairs

Happy Friday!

#ThrowbackThursday: The Return of BET Uncut

Gather ’round little perverts!

If you were born 1984 or later, then you have probably stayed up late to watch BET Uncut back in the day. Before the internet, and before everything was buckwild and free, BET Uncut was the closest thing you were going to get to porn. Unedited grainy ass music videos were everything around the late 1990’s-early 2000’s and many are very happy to hear that BET Uncut is officially making it’s return.

With how graphic the media is today I don’t know if BET Uncut will have the same taboo impact it had on me during my childhood (these kids today done seen it all), but in honor of BET Uncut making a comeback I will like to present my…

Top Three Throwback “Uncut” Videos

Meek Mill and Me

So…I figured that I would hop out the motherfucking Porsche and let the people know what has been going on with me. With the developments involving my fellow Philadelphian, Meek Mill, I feel like I should:

A. Unleash my feelings as well.

B. Show that those from my city aren’t completely petty (just a lil’ bit petty).

If you haven’t been under a rock, then you know that Meek Mill made the unwise decision of starting a Twitter beef with Drake. Drake allegedly had a ghostwriter write a verse on Meek Mill’s track “R.I.C.O” and also most importantly, Drake did not tweet out a link to Meek Mill’s album when it dropped. *crickets*

Since then it has been all downhill for Meek…kind of like my life had been for the last two months.

Instead of dragging other people into my issues via Twitter, I am choosing to go a better route and just tell y’all why I’m really mad (Meek everyone knows it’s more to this story. Let’s just be honest, let’s just be real).

That Moment When You Can’t Fake The Funk

I have been laying in bed for three days straight. I work from home a lot but when I go into the office I sit in my little cubicle fighting back tears. 

I am a self admitted control freak and when I feel like I am losing control this is what happens.

The depressed mood, the withdrawl, and the random thoughts of what if? This is me out of control. 

I understand that things are not meant to be controlled all of the time, and I am familiar with the whole “shit happens” mantra that people love to throw at you when things go wrong (which I’m extremely tired of hearing), but when I cannot control my own body or finances, I am finding this to be a trigger that makes me irrational. 

People treat me like I’m not allowed to feel. I’m sad and it just is. 

I literally cannot move. I can’t get up and go anywhere without feeling embarrassed that people are staring at me and on top of that I am about to lose an insane amount of money. 

I am drained. 

I want to cry but I have no one to cry to. 

I am alone. 

I realize that no one knows me very well and to care how I’m feeling because of the temporary tattoo of a smile and alert eyes I use whenever someone speaks to me. 

People don’t know that a genuine “are you okay?” would really mean a lot right now. 

Even though it’s visibly apparent what’s wrong, I think the issue is that what is wrong with me cannot be fixed with anything but time and even that is not certain. 

I’m in pain. Sometimes it’s a good day, sometimes it’s bad. I am starting to miss the days when all I did was bitch about work. I am tired of this and I don’t know if I will ever be the same again. It’s sad to think that.  

So if you’re wondering why I haven’t been posting as much it’s because I can’t remain in a good mood long enough to make little shady jokes for the masses. 

If you have anything in your arsenal that you think my humor would appreciate please drop the link in the comments. I need to smile. 

Throwback Thursday: Why Is Pokemon Still On?

Raise your hand if you love “Pokemon”…

I don’t.

Words With Friends: The Return of Paper Brother

It’s baaaaaaaccccckkkkkk…

In this fine edition of “Words With  Friends” we have to revisit a certain brother from a previous post.

Oh yes, it’s the return of your fave, “The Paper Brother.”

He been gone for a minute,  organizing sit-ins and peaceful protest and shit but he’s back! Back in the form of a simulated conversation between me and my good girlfriends.

Join us as we mock a real life Paper Brother explaining why he’s single.

This may be my favorite *lace sarcasm all up in here* type of man, knowing one in real life makes it all the funnier.

Get into it below…(follow the quotes)  

You Don’t Know Nothing ‘Bout This Here: 4 Signs of Getting Old

What happens to your way of life when you start to get old?

I’m not talking about the brand new crop of health issues, or about  Medicare and social security. I am talking about how do you come to suddenly have those seemingly new old person mannerisms?

Friday Fuckery: Shh…Just Watch TV

I cannot express how much reality television means to me. It gets me through the good and the bad, and I have been relying on it as much as I rely on eyeliner, because I look approximately 12 years old without it. Reality television is one of the worlds guiltiest pleasures (that’s right the world, everyone is going down with me); I particularly care for the trash type of reality television.

Any show that involves women arguing in every episode tickles my fancy.

This type of television is a solace to me for many reasons; one being that it makes me feel good about myself. Seeing women act a fool and to not be one of them makes me feel as good as Nene Leakes thinks she looks.

I also love reality television because it serves as a release from dealing with some seriously heavy shit.

There are heavy times right now and instead of going crazy from the mayhem that is the blatant racism going on in our own backyards; reality TV is keeping me sane. It’s nothing wrong with having a release as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Reality TV happens to be mine. In times like this especially, we all need a reason to laugh to keep from fucking shit up. If we are constantly focused on the bad we will be in despair causing tempers to flair and aiding in the destruction that we are all sick of. 

Sometimes we need mindless, sometimes we need stupidity, sometimes we need some emptiness just to remind us that while we laugh, it’s not all bad. 

Take this prescription for a Stevie J. nose pat and call me in the morning. 

So I Have To Be Pretty Forever? The Double Standard

Women are faced with the most ridiculous double standards. Some I can deal with, some I cannot.

Having sex with a plethora of people equals “Ho”….Acceptable for safety reasons

Frowned upon for abandoning your child…Acceptable because it’s harder to abandon a thing that lived inside of you. I guess.

But one double standard I cannot accept is that women have to look pretty for damn near forever, but have to be okay with their men being out of shape ug-mugs.

Women are always looked at with fault for letting themselves go when meanwhile fat husband and pretty wife (at least a high 6) is seen as the norm in most sitcoms and in general life.

I know that the woman is supposed to be the pretty one in the relationship, but do women really have to accept men looking like Carl Winslow while the men expect women to look like booty models?

photo credit:badtvblog.com

This is an unspoken rule, but it happens and I’m tired of it.

The first thing out of a man’s mouth when a woman does not get into shape quick enough after childbirth is that she let herself go. But when a man packs on numerous pounds for no reason at all or is even a little ugly in the face no one ever questions him. It is perfectly fine for him to be a butterball, no definition having slug of a man and expect you to be bad forever.

Why is nobody is ever disappointed in men for not looking like Tyson Beckford?

Men get yourself in shape for your women.

Go to the gym.

Go run outside.

Go ride a bike.

Do something to give you a place to criticize her if she’s not looking her best.

Don’t expect this:

Photo credit: lowbird.com

When you look like this:

Photo credit: Jay-zjournal.com

You can’t be regular money Jay-Z and expect a Beyonce. Even rich Jay-Z shouldn’t expect Beyonce, he better count his blessings.